Protests, Apologies, and Zaccheus
The last time I saw my father was across a protest line. We stood face to face under the umbrellas with reporters at my side.
He said that he was sorry.
I can only recall one time that my father offered me any kind of apology and it didn’t happen until I stood outside CFC Potsdam with protestors and reporters.
His approach made it clear that he had no intention of admitting wrong or seeking a resolution. When I didn’t satisfy him with an easy “I forgive you,” he turned away and walked back into the church.
Survivors, this is not an apology.
A sincere apology is a precious thing because it’s so rare. We’re trained in surface apologies from the time that we can talk as children. “I’m sorry” is the standard. “I’m sorry, will you please forgive me” is considered a premium apology at CFC.
Neither of those is a template for a sincere apology.
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“I’m sorry if you were hurt.”
“I’m sorry what I said impacted you that way.”
“I’m sorry, but…”
Have you heard any of these non-apologies? The role of the surface apology is not repentance or restitution. The purpose of a surface apology is twofold: to make the person you hurt go away and to absolve you of your own guilt.
Wade Mullen notes: “Saying "I'm sorry" while holding up a mirror to reflect all your good intentions, excuses, and justifications is not an apology. Self-promotion disguised as apology is about you, not the other person. The only appropriate mirror is one that reflects all the harm done to another.”
So how do you issue a sincere apology and work towards restitution if you have wronged someone? And conversely, what type of apology and restitution should you expect if you are wronged?
In Luke 19, Zaccheus the tax collector is convicted by Jesus. Luke doesn’t spell out what Zaccheus’ crime was. He didn’t need to. Luke’s early readers would know exactly what a chief tax collector did – exploit the poor by artificially inflating taxes so that he could line his pockets with the difference.
Jesus calls many people to repentance, but in Zaccheus we see an example of a sincere apology.
“Look, Lord! Here and now I give half of my possessions to the poor, and if I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.” (Lk 19:8)
According to Mosaic law, Zaccheus only needed to repay double the amount that he had stolen. Instead, he chooses to return four times the amount. Zaccheus understands that he can never undo the complexities of the harm he has caused by exacerbating his community’s poverty.
A sincere apology includes several additional components beyond “I’m sorry.”
It acknowledges that there is sometimes a large gap between our intention and its impact.
It names the wrong clearly.
It takes responsibility for the harm and includes specific steps toward restitution.
It follows through on restitution.
In Zaccheus’ example, his confession is implied in the steps he promises to take. He knows (and everyone around him knows) that as a tax collector he has been exploiting the people of an occupied nation for his own benefit. His action steps are in line with Mosaic principles: both individual and corporate restitution. Zaccheus promises to make individual restitution to the people he directly stole from, and he will address his contributions to systemic injustice by giving half of his belongings to the poor.
What could a sincere apology look like if we follow Zaccheus’ example?
“Survivor, I failed you as a pastor. I didn’t believe you when you disclosed your abuse and I understand now that my disbelief caused you more harm. My disbelief led other people in the congregation to shun you. I want to make this right. I will publicly deliver an apology in church and acknowledge the ways that I have harmed you. I also commit to learning about the complexity of abuse and I will lead our congregation in learning about this issue with these specific resources. Is there anything else that I can do to rebuild our relationship?”
“As a church elder, I apologize for responding badly when you told me that your husband was beating you and your children. I wanted to support both of you and I didn’t understand how domestic violence works. You were right. Your husband’s momentary good behavior was the honeymoon phase, not sincere repentance. I’m so sorry for putting you in danger. We have informed your husband that he is not welcome in our services and I will testify in court so that you can get full custody of your kids.”
“I’m so sorry that I spanked you, my child. I know that I can’t undo years of abuse, but I can pay for your therapy. I’ll go to therapy as well so that I can unlearn unhealthy ways of relating to my kids. I want to rebuild our relationship and I’m willing to do my part.”
Every human makes mistakes, but not all humans know how to offer an apology that facilitates healing. Learning how to offer a real apology is a gift that you can give the world. And in learning how to give a sincere apology, you will come to expect nothing less than a true apology when you are harmed.
Abbi Nye is an archivist in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. She attended CFC from 1986 to 2005.
