Victim Blaming in the Church
This post contains descriptions of domestic violence, sexual abuse/assault, and rape. It may be triggering for some readers.
What is victim blaming?
Victim blaming is the act of holding a person responsible for the harm they have experienced or the crime committed against them. This often looks like attributing blame or responsibility to the victim for their own victimization, rather than the perpetrator or other external factors.
For example, a victim of sexual assault might be blamed for dressing immodestly, drinking alcohol, or being alone with a boy. Similarly, victims of domestic violence are often told that they must have done something to provoke their abuser, rather than recognizing the abuser's responsibility for their own behavior.
Anyone can engage in victim blaming regardless of their involvement or relationship to the abuse or crime. In many cases the first person to engage in victim blaming is the abuser: “I didn’t want to hit you but you just make me so angry! This is what you do to me!” Even other survivors can engage in victim blaming: “I don’t know why she stays with him. When my ex did that I grabbed my kids and we left right away! She’s just asking for it to happen again if she doesn’t leave.”
Victim blaming has a damaging impact on victims; it can make them feel responsible for something that was not their fault and can discourage them from seeking help or reporting the crime for fear of being judged and blamed. It is important to recognize that victims of crimes or harm are not responsible for the actions of others and that it is never their fault if they are victimized. It’s essential to place the responsibility for the abuse where it belongs: on the perpetrator.
Victim blaming at church
Victim blaming is extremely common in churches and many survivors have experienced victim blaming at CFC. People who have experienced horrific abuse have been accused of anything from demon possession and antichrist spirits to immodest dressing. Women at CFC are taught that it is their responsibility to prevent men from lusting after them.
“Carla” recalls in her story: “I was assaulted twice. One of my abusers claimed to be a Christian. When I told my parents, they asked what I was wearing when it happened, because I must have been dressed immodestly.”
This specific type of victim blaming is very common. It can make women feel responsible for the horrible things that have happened to them as if what they were wearing caused their abuse and not their abuser. Britny Harmer chronicled on her blog how a CFC pastor demanded that she change her clothing and inappropriately placed the responsibility for potential lust on her shoulders.
Teaching women that they are responsible for predatory men’s impulses is a convenient setup for future victim blaming. In her blog, Britny discloses that she experienced multiple incidents of sexual assault during her life and always felt that she had to silently carry the burden of that trauma alone.
“No one ever knew. Even that young I believed that if I told anyone, somehow, I’d be the one in trouble. Because that is what sexual trauma does to you. That is what the shame that sexual assault brings does to you.”
Britny aptly named that blog post “Power.” Often victim blaming or the threat of victim blaming is used as a means to control survivors and prevent them from ever disclosing their abuse and speaking out against their abusers.
Victims who are blamed for their own trauma may internalize these messages and feel a sense of shame or guilt, even though they are not responsible for what happened to them. This can exacerbate trauma symptoms and make it more difficult for victims to heal and recover. “Wren” highlights this phenomenon in her story:
“It was my work colleagues who identified that I spoke like a rape victim, not the pastors that were supposed to shepherd and protect me. If I mentioned any sexual encounters, the pastors responded with disgust. When I “bragged” to Rick Sinclair that I hadn’t slept with my abuser in three months, he didn’t hear me saying that I was finally able to say no. He didn’t see the strength required to reject the manipulation and coercion.”
Victim blaming is particularly insidious in situations of domestic abuse. “Keeley” highlights some of the immediate consequences of victim-blaming in her story. Keeley’s ability to engage in sexual intimacy with her abuser was questioned. Her pastor’s wife asked if she was giving her abusive husband enough sex, claiming “if they are not satisfied there then that frustration can spill into other areas of life.”
Keeley tried to explain how this was a terrible idea: “he had held me down and raped me on multiple occasions causing bleeding and bruising, and that I had decided that past summer that I was not going to even sleep in the same room as him until he proved he could control himself.”
Despite Keeley’s protestations, the CFC pastor and his wife ignored her. “They said that we needed to find a way to be intimate together again. Safely, of course. Maybe I should take the lead and he should follow so that I feel safe. We tried. I thought light kissing would be a good start. He started to put his hand down my pants. I asked him to stop. He wouldn't and raped me again.”
CFC women are taught that their bodies belong to their husbands and that wives are responsible for keeping their husbands happy and satisfied through sex. Because CFC leadership believes that husbands are owed access to their wives’ bodies, martial rape is often encouraged in their marriage counseling meetings with couples.
The CFC pastor and his wife advised and pressured Keeley into an unsafe situation where she was harmed again. Keeley went against every instinct for self-preservation that she had, because the pastor’s wife convinced her that she was the problem and should just try harder. Keeley was made to feel responsible for the abuse and dysfunction in her marriage when she was just trying to keep herself safe.
Victim blaming causes untold damage in people’s lives
Victim blaming can perpetuate harmful stereotypes and reinforce societal power imbalances. Victims of sexual assault who are blamed for their own attack will internalize that blame and feel that they were somehow at fault for what happened, rather than the perpetrator who committed the crime. This can reinforce harmful myths about sexual assault and can make it harder for victims to seek out and receive the support they need or for society to hold perpetrators accountable.
Victim blaming can make survivors question their reality.
“Maybe I really was asking for it with my clothing choices.”
“If I hadn’t started that argument he wouldn’t have hit me.”
Domestic violence is ultimately about power and control. One partner holds power and uses that power to control and manipulate their victim(s). When we question victims of domestic violence about what they might have done to trigger their abuser into harming them, they hear that we think it’s their fault. When we place the burden of proving the abuse is “bad enough” on the victims’ shoulders, rather than offering help and safety immediately, we are already neglecting them. No one should have to show you their bruises to be believed and helped. Even one incident of domestic violence is too many. Learn more about the complexities of domestic violence here.
Victim blaming is a convenient way for abusers to avoid accountability and justice. Victim blaming enables more abuse.
How we can do better
Victim blaming is pervasive in our culture, not just in our churches. We see it in the media, we see it in legal proceedings, and we see it in our homes with our own family members.
The church can and must do better to support and protect survivors. How do we do that? We start by listening to and believing survivors. We put policies in place to protect survivors and to protect others from becoming victims.
There are many aspects to domestic violence, sexual assault, and other trauma that can wear victims down until they are resigned to the abuse. We know that trauma changes the brain and the way we make sense of the world over time. It takes a lot of courage and strength to come forward and ask for help. This is why it is crucial that we believe survivors when they disclose their abuse to us. Believe and take action. Taking action requires being informed and knowing what resources are available in your community.
Please know that it is not your fault. It never was. You didn’t deserve it then and you still don’t deserve it now. We hear you, we believe you, and we are here to support you.
Here is a list of online resources that are available if you or someone you know is in a domestic violence situation or has experienced sexual assault:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Victim Connect Resource Center
United nations domestic abuse resources
National Sexual Assault Hotline/resources
National Sexual Violence Resource center (NSVRC)
