The danger of denial

Listening to survivors tell their stories can be uncomfortable, especially if they name abuse that does not seem to align with what you have experienced. 

In moments like these, our default stance is often denial. 

“I’m sorry that happened to you, but not all Christians are like this!” you say. 

If it’s a sibling who courageously comes forward with a story of harm, you might recoil. “But that wasn’t my experience with that parent. He’s a great dad!”

Perhaps a person who left your church shares that your pastor bullied them and screamed at them. How can this be? You have experienced a mild-mannered pastor who never raises his voice.

The nice dad at your church is arrested for assaulting a woman at his workplace. You might think, “Surely not that guy–he came over and cleared our driveway with his snowblower when we were sick!”  

Humans are complex. We shift. We change. Our church ecosystems and family systems shift and change as well. These things all impact the way we experience a certain person, or a particular event, or a specific church. 

A kind person can also be abusive. The parent who abused one child may not be triggered to violence by a child with a different personality. The pastor who hits a table with his fist and screams with veins bulging out of his forehead will likely not display the same anger with a congregant who is compliant.  

When we deny the truth that survivors were harmed, we deny the complexity of the human experience. When we dehumanize people by casting them as villains or heroes with no shades of grey in between, we dehumanize ourselves.