Black Sharpies

There were so many times that I would say to myself, “You are just crazy.” No matter how I sliced it, things just didn’t add up.  I replayed conversations in my head. I thought through every single detail. And it just didn’t add up. 

Abusive churches excel at gaslighting us. They make us think that we’re the crazy ones. They keep us off-kilter so that we can’t spot the lies. They keep us feeling uncertain so that we’re easier to control. 

At times I felt like I was pledging to a fraternity or sorority. I would be asked to meetings with the agenda not disclosed, not knowing who would be there, and not knowing for how long.  It would be meeting after meeting lasting hours and hours.  The church leaders required my undying compliance — written in blood — to accept me completely.  

I once heard of a sorority requiring pledges to wear a bikini and then stand on a table when all the sisters could then circle on her body the parts that were fat. Sounds horrific, right? Imagine something similar, only this time it was your personality. And leadership was wielding their thick black sharpie and pointing out all the places that they didn’t approve of. If you wanted to fit, to be esteemed, to be included in the in-group, then you had better change. 

If you looked closely at the details, the black sharpie emerged. They didn’t want people asking questions, because then the truth would be exposed. The organization is built on people who are willing to change. To keep secrets hidden, to keep egos big. It makes you feel crazy.

The manipulation is paraded around as care for the flock, when really it is just to keep those in power, well…in power.  If you are reading this, you likely said no to change and you saw through the manipulation. All the while so many around you blissfully carried on as normal, like everything was ok. I want to scream, “Can you not see it?!?!”  

For a long time, we were trained to not trust our feelings, because the heart is wicked.  We were told to trust the pastors because they are “God’s men.” When I did bring up questions, I was told lies. I would write out a timeline and be told I was wrong when I knew it was right. Little did I know at the time that these behaviors were abusive.

You aren’t crazy. You are learning to trust yourself again. You are learning to feel grounded.