Understanding Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence impacts every community regardless of race, culture, or socioeconomic status. On average, nearly twenty people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. One in four women and one in nine men experience some form of severe intimate partner violence at some point in their life.[1] That is an alarming statistic. We should bear in mind that abuse often goes unreported, so these numbers are likely even higher than statistics show. The most important thing to remember is that Domestic Violence is often hidden in plain sight. We may find that someone we know is being severely abused by a person we would least expect.
When I began working in Domestic Violence advocacy twelve years ago, I remember wondering how I could advise a woman to get a divorce. I was always taught that “God hates divorce” and that marriage is hard but you have to stick it out. Surely problems can be resolved through self-improvement or couples therapy. But the internal question I asked more frequently back then, and still ask to this day, is this: how could anyone, for any reason, tell a woman she needs to stay married to or in a relationship with a man who is violent or abusive? The pressing matter at hand was educating women on what abuse is, how to understand it wasn’t their fault, and that they were not causing it or responsible for the abuse.
Many women seeking domestic violence services often start by seeking couples therapy, or anger management counseling for their partner. They start learning about abusive patterns and they want someone to change their spouse or “get him help.” Domestic Violence is not an anger problem. It is a power and control problem. Someone may have “anger issues” but this does not mean they are abusing their partner. The problem with couples therapy is that it is intended to help couples communicate in their relationship. Communication is not the problem in domestic violence. The problem is an abusive, manipulating, controlling person who wants to maintain power over their partner and refuses to take responsibility for or change their behavior. Couples therapy is dangerous for a violent relationship because the abuser will use the vulnerability from therapy against their partner. They will punish their partner for daring to talk about the abuse and their violence will often increase.
Defining Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence is a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors that abusive individuals use to control their current or former intimate partners. [2]
Before I started in Domestic Violence advocacy, I don’t think I had ever heard the words ‘assaultive’ or ‘coercive’ used in a sentence. When I asked victims “Does he coerce you?” every last one of them would ask me: “What does coerce mean?”
Coercive: relating to or using force or threats.
Assaultive: tending or likely to commit an assault, extremely aggressive or forcefully assertive (Oxford Languages).
Domestic Violence (DV) is an umbrella term that covers many types of abuse, not just physical or sexual abuse. Intimate partner violence or domestic abuse are often used interchangeably with DV.
Domestic Violence is a pattern of increasingly frequent physical, sexual, psychological, and economic abuse with the intent of controlling the victim.
An abuser believes his needs should take priority in the relationship. He may enjoy having total control over another, and he is willing to use violence if necessary.
Statistically, men are most often the abusive, controlling partner, but women can also be abusive partners. Abuse can and does exist in any type of relationship, but for this discussion, I’m going to refer to abusive men in a husband and spouse/partner relationship. I will also refer to the victim as the abusive person’s “partner,” as so often abuse occurs in unmarried relationships.
Men who abuse or mistreat women in intimate relationships are often charming, charismatic, and well-liked. This is an intentional facade. Outside appearances are of utmost importance; being well-liked in a social sphere means their victim will not be believed when they come forward with abuse. The abusive man wants to keep everyone on his side. In this way, he makes sure his peers will believe him and say things like, “Oh he would never do that.” This ensures that his victim won’t come forward and if she does, it will be very hard for her to tell her story and be believed.
It is important to remember that physical violence is not required and does not have to be present for us to recognize that a relationship is abusive. Domestic Violence is foremost about power and control.
Readers might ask: do you mean to say that Domestic Violence can describe relationships where no physical violence has ever taken place?
Yes. Absolutely.
Domestic abuse is as much about controlling someone’s mind and emotions as it is about hurting their body. [3] A man may control his spouse/partner in many ways without resorting to physical violence. Verbal abuse is often present for years before he chooses to strike her or physically injure her in some way. The goal is to maintain power over her and keep her in a state of compliance. He may never need to hit her to do this. The threat of violence alone— punching walls, breaking things, or screaming at her — is often enough to keep her under his control. We still classify this as Domestic Violence because he is using abusive behaviors to maintain power and control over her.
Abuse is Hidden
It can be scary to realize that abusive people are hiding in plain sight. We have to be honest that we can’t ever know what goes on behind closed doors within relationships and families. So when abuse is reported, it is crucial that we listen without judgment and that we know where resources are and how to help someone who is being abused. It is so important that we foster efforts to look out for one another. We must build safe environments in our churches, schools, and communities so that when victims do come forward we can care for them and give them the help they need to break the cycle of abuse and find healing.
Why Doesn’t She Leave?
Domestic Violence occurs in a cycle. A violent relationship rarely starts out that way. Men will “love bomb” or be extremely romantic, charming, and adoring in a relationship, then slowly move into behaviors that are abusive and controlling. If or when she does leave, he will turn on the charm in every way to win her back. We often call this a “honeymoon phase”. He will treat her well for a while with flowers and gifts but then eventually will resume his abusive behavior. The cycle continues. He makes her believe the abuse is her fault. Through repetition of manipulating statements and behaviors – “It only happens when I drink!” or “If you didn’t make me so angry all the time I wouldn’t act this way!”-- he makes her believe that if she can just do everything right, or stop doing the things he deems unacceptable, he will return to the extremely charming man she fell in love with. He wants to keep her in this mindset, believing the abuse was “just this once,” or that she caused it. This is how he maintains control over her. His actions and words are intentional and achieve the desired goal for him: power and control over her. This cycle is very hard to break.
Four Types of Abuse
Too often, survivors of abuse don’t know they are being abused. There are many types of abuse, or mistreatment of a person. A man may use a combination of Physical, Sexual, Psychological, and Economic abuse to control his spouse/partner.
Examples include: punching, shoving, hitting, denying medical treatment, undue pressure to have sex, forcing/manipulating sex or pressure to engage in degrading sexual acts, severe jealousy, frequent accusations of cheating, name-calling, controlling all the money, giving allowance or refusing access to finances. If confronted, he will justify or outright deny he is responsible for these behaviors.
See the resource list at the end of this article for a full list of abusive behaviors.
Identifying Abuse
How do you know if your friend or loved one is being abused? Abuse will usually occur behind closed doors, but there are warning signs. Bruising and other injuries are the most obvious. Does your friend make excuses or refuse to talk about how she sustained an injury? Does she quickly change the subject? Does she seem fearful of her husband or anxious to please him/do everything his way? Is he controlling or extremely jealous with her? Is she wearing long sleeves in the summer to conceal bruising? Has her personality changed? Is she suddenly depressed or exhibiting low self-esteem out of nowhere? Does she frequently cancel plans for no reason? Does she seem isolated? Has she stopped texting/calling for no reason?
These are all warning signs. Abusive and controlling men often isolate their partners from friends and family. If your loved one begins spending less and less time with others, is hard to reach, or rarely leaves the home without her husband's permission, this is a red flag. Another red flag is when men are unnecessarily jealous or controlling. If he talks down to or degrades her, or demands perfect obedient behavior from her, those are red flags.
How to Help
Abuse is never ok. It’s important to remember that if your loved one is being abused, she is likely isolated and may not fully understand what is happening in her relationship. It is also likely the abuse was going on for a long time before she found the courage to reach out. Listen to her. Validate her. Don’t judge her. She is taking a big risk. This may be the first time she has ever talked about the abuse. It may be worse than she realizes and she may be in danger.
Often a woman doesn’t realize she is being abused. She has been led to believe abuse – even physical abuse – is her fault and that she is somehow causing it. She may consider what is happening a “rough patch” in her relationship, not realizing she is being controlled and mistreated. We are to remember she is not responsible for the abuse, and it’s not going to stop.
Our tendency to disbelieve her must be resisted. We know there is more than one side to every story and we tend to discount hers until we hear his. It is critical that we admit to ourselves we’d rather believe abuse is not happening. We want to believe that our friends are safe and their partners are trustworthy. We are often tempted to think a report of abuse is some big misunderstanding or even that she is somehow at fault.
We have to listen to and believe her if she says she is experiencing abuse or feels unsafe. We need to remember her children are likely unsafe as well. Whatever hesitation we may have, violence is never ok. Abusing, mistreating, or terrorizing another is never ok or justified, nor is it an appropriate means of resolving conflict in any relationship, especially in a marriage.
The abuser will have a thousand justifications for his abuse of her or he will deny it entirely. She will have a thousand reasons to stay with him even if the abuse is severe. How will she support herself when he makes all the money? What about the kids? She is often just as invested in making the relationship work as he is in maintaining abusive control over her.
It takes an average of 5-7 attempts for a woman to leave an abusive man before she manages to leave and never return. In the meantime, she will experience the cycle of abuse over and over again until she breaks it of her own volition.
If she tries to leave but no one believes her, then everyone has chosen his side and she is humiliated. She tries to leave but then he turns on the charm and she doesn’t want to take the kids from their dad. She tries to leave but then she remembers hearing her whole life that God hates divorce. She tries to leave, but what will her family and friends think? No one believes her anyway. What she desperately needs, in addition to safety and the ability to make decisions for herself, is the loving support of friends and family that believe in her. Even when the cycle of abuse is broken and she leaves for good, she has a long road of healing ahead of her.
We have to remain supportive. We have to listen without judgment when women and children come forward with stories of abuse. This isn’t always easy. Maybe we’ve seen her argue with her spouse or speak badly of him. We may be tempted to think it takes two to tango. But we have to consider who has the power in the relationship. The husband may be the breadwinner, but does that give him the right to refuse finances to his wife? Treat her like a child? Control all her daily activities? To talk down to or call her ugly names?
There are a lot of reasons that women stay in abusive relationships. Complementarian theology and Bible verses regarding divorce often contribute to a victim staying in a relationship even though it is violent and unsafe. It is imperative that we are able to recognize when a man is using the idea of wifely submission to abuse his partner. It is equally important that we are prepared to respond firmly and stand up against this abusive behavior. Does she feel safe in her own home? Is she allowed to make her own decisions? Does he respect her as an adult? Respect her parenting? Her input? Or does he rule with an iron fist, preferring his wife and children to live in fear of him? Does he punish his wife as he would a child, beating her, believing this is his duty as a godly husband? Does he use the Bible to justify abuse? If so, who can she turn to? No amount of perfect obedience or perfect behavior can truly stop the abuse. Abuse is a cycle.
Who will hold him accountable for his behavior?
We will.
And we start by making sure we listen to her, believe her, and make her feel safe and supported when she does choose to come forward and ask for help. Familiarize yourself with Domestic Violence resources in your area. Below is a list of resources as well as definitions of abuse. It can be extremely hard to spot. Perhaps even more important than spotting abuse is remaining a safe and trustworthy person a woman or child can go to when seeking help. Remember: where there is verbal and mental abuse, physical abuse will often follow. And it will only escalate from there.
It is a difficult cycle to break, but not impossible.
Abusive Behaviors
Physical:
◗ Scratches, bites, grabs or spits at a current or former intimate partner
◗ Shakes, shoves, pushes, restrains or throws her
◗ Twists, slaps, punches, strangles or burns the victim
◗ Throws objects at her
◗ Subjects her to reckless driving
◗ Locks her in or out of the house
◗ Refuses to help when she’s sick, injured or pregnant, or withholds medication or medical treatment
◗ Withholds food as punishment
◗ Abuses her at mealtime, which disrupts eating patterns and can result in malnutrition
◗ Abuses her at night, which disrupts sleeping patterns and can result in sleep deprivation
◗ Attacks her with weapons or kills her
Sexual:
◗ Is jealously angry and assumes she will have sex with anyone
◗ Withholds sex and affection as punishment
◗ Calls her sexual names
◗ Pressures her to have sex when she doesn’t want to
◗ Insists that his partner dress in a more sexual way than she wants
◗ Coerces sex by manipulation or threats
◗ Physically forces sex or is sexually violent
◗ Coerces her into sexual acts that she is uncomfortable with, such as sex with a third party, physically painful sex, sexual activity she finds offensive or verbal degradation during sex
◗ Inflicts injuries that are sex-specific
◗ Denies the victim contraception or protection against sexually transmitted diseases
Psychological:
◗ Breaks promises, doesn’t follow through on agreements, or doesn’t take a fair share of responsibility
◗ Verbally attacks and humiliates his partner in private or public
◗ Attacks her vulnerabilities, such as her language abilities, educational level, skills as a parent, religious and cultural beliefs or physical appearance
◗ Plays mind games, such as when he denies requests he has granted previously or when he undercuts her sense of reality
◗ Forces her to do degrading things
◗ Ignores her feelings
◗ Withholds approval or affection as punishment
◗ Regularly threatens to leave or tells his partner to leave
◗ Harasses her about affairs he imagines her to be having
◗ Stalks her
◗ Always claims to be right
◗ Is unfaithful after committing to monogamy
Economic Abuses:
◗ Controls all the money
◗ Doesn’t let her work outside the home or sabotages her attempts to work or go to school
◗ Refuses to work and makes her support the family
◗ Ruins her credit rating
Resources & Further Reading
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Hours: 24/7.
Languages: English, Spanish and 200+ through interpretation service
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Healthline, “Understanding the Cycle of Abuse”
The Missouri Coalition Against Domestic & Sexual Violence, “The Nature and Dynamics of DV”
National Domestic Violence Hotline, “Why Do People Abuse?”
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, “Understanding DV/Sexual Assault and Marital Rape”
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, “Understanding DV & Economic Abuse”
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, “Understanding DV & Physical Abuse”
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, “Understanding DV & Psychological Abuse”
Shivani Patel, “Understanding Reproductive Coercion”
Zlatka Rakovec-Felser, “Domestic Violence and Abuse in Intimate Relationship from a Public Health Perspective”
Endnotes
[1] National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, “DV statistics”
[2] Missouri Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence, “A Framework for Understanding the Nature and Dynamics of Domestic Violence.”
[3] William Moore, “Domestic Abuse Signs.”
Jolynn Madden is a former DV Advocate with Rosebrooks Center, the largest Domestic Violence agency in Kansas City, Missouri. She worked with survivors breaking the cycle of abuse for 10 years in Rosebrooks’ 100 bed emergency shelter as both a Shelter Advocate and a Case Manager.
