Rethinking Discipline
As parents emerge from CFC, one of their common laments is that they spanked their children. At the same time, learning to parent without fear and physical pain can be daunting if that is all you have ever known. If you have been spanking your children but would like to stop, here are some places to start.
First, acknowledge that spanking was not working and that it was, in fact, harming more than just the child’s bottom.
Next, you can and should acknowledge the past. Dialogue with your child about their experience and give them space and time to express themselves without judgment. Validate their emotions, even if they communicate anger and frustration with you.
For example, you might say something like this to your child:
I want to talk to you about something that might bring up some big feelings, but I think that it is important. In the past I have spanked you. At the time I thought spanking was the best way to discipline a child but now I know that there are better and more gentle ways.
From this point on, I am not going to spank you. I respect you and we are going find different ways to discipline. I hope you will have patience and work with me as we figure it out together.
Do you want to ask me any questions about spankings that have happened in the past? Do you want to talk about any of the times you were spanked and I will just listen without talking back? Do you have any good ideas moving forward of what I can do to make sure you are making the right choices without feeling like I need to spank you?
The science is clear that spanking is not a successful way to ensure that children turn out to be functional adults. In fact, studies demonstrate that spanking raises cortisol levels in children, which leads to adults who are quick to anger and can suffer from anxiety. Studies also show that spanking inhibits brain development.
Children's brains are still developing.
Because this is true, their prefrontal cortex is not yet developed, and self-control is actually impossible. This can be confusing because we all know that a toddler can follow some rules, but let's look at the Oxford Languages definition of self-control:
The ability to control oneself, in particular one's emotions and desires or the expression of them in one's behavior, especially in difficult situations.
Self-control is an intrinsic method of discipline. It is a realization of why a certain behavior is undesirable and intrinsically working to avoid that behavior for the greater good or because you understand the "big picture." For example, saving a slice of chocolate cake until after dinner because you know it's best to get the bulk of your nutrition from the veggies on your dinner plate.
Fear is not self-control, self-discipline, or respect. It’s fear. If you don't touch the chocolate cake because you're afraid you'll get spanked, that is not self-control. There is no intrinsic motivator; the motivator is outward fear. This model sets children up for failure as adults because they never have the opportunity to develop true intrinsic self-control, which is necessary for adult success.
Before the age of seven when the prefrontal context is finally beginning to develop, the best method is to limit situations where children will be exposed to that hypothetical chocolate cake before dinner and not to fret if they do happen to take a bite. Also, take a moment to explain the “why” to your rule: "It's my job to keep your body healthy. Chocolate gives your body a few nutrients, but veggies give your body a whole range of nutrients."
How does this approach differ from authoritarian parenting?
There is a method of parenting and discipline created by Magda Gerber in the 70s called RIE (Resources for Infant Educators) that not only applies to infants but to children of all ages and stages. The entire idea behind Gerber's method is that children are whole and equal people to adults. They simply have not had enough life experience to always make informed choices.
Because their prefrontal cortex is not developed until age 7, they are going to struggle with issues like impulse control so these struggles should be expected and not punished. It is our job as experienced adults who love them to give them the knowledge to find success and the soft landing for the many times that they fail to ensure that they will get back up and try again.
How can I implement this method with my children at home?
Do not set your children up for failure. If children under seven do not have a fully developed prefrontal context and therefore are unable to have true self-control, then don't set a bag of candy in front of them and ask them not to touch it. Have an environment where it is easy to say "yes" instead of "no."
Our children are small for a short time. Now is the time to move breakable objects to a high shelf. If you must spend time in a 'no' space, make sure that you find double the time for a 'yes' space that day. Too much time in a 'no' space will cause dysregulation in the child and will present as meltdowns or fussiness.
Give choices
One way to avoid arguments or meltdowns is to put the choice into the child's hands. Many children simply want to feel as if they have some control or autonomy over themselves and we can easily give this to them by offering choices.
"Do you want a red or a blue cup?"
"Should we start with math or reading?"
Sometimes offering two desirable choices is the thing that will help avoid meltdowns most and encourage compliance or "teamwork."
Respect their work
Children's limited knowledge of the world is the only thing setting them apart from adults. So when a child is working hard at dumping a bucket of rocks over and over, ask yourself what are they learning from that. They are exploring how gravity works, different sounds for each different mass, and fine motor skills for a smooth dump.
Now imagine being enthralled with your work and then someone interrupting you, scooping you up, and telling you it was time to go. Observe your child and try to understand what skill they are working on and what they are learning at that moment. And when it's time for them to be finished give them ample warning.
“You have 10 minutes to finish your work. Now it's 5. One more minute. Okay! Time to do one last thing then let's scoot!”
Do enforce boundaries
Gentle parenting does not mean that children do not have boundaries. Instead, they have natural consequences. Sam runs into the road after you have asked him not to. His consequence is not a spanking. For now, Sam is not allowed to be near the road to check the mailbox because he used that privilege unsafely.
"I'm sorry, Sam, I know you like checking the mail, I know you want to check the mail, but last time we were near the road you were unsafe. Now you can not be near the road because I need to keep your body safe."
Stick to the given choices. "I hear you, Anna, you want the green cup. I have offered you a blue cup or a red cup, those are your choices right now."
Model behavior you want to see
Children are like little mirrors. They are always watching and learning from us. If you expect them to pick up their plate and put it in the sink after dinner, model it for them. If there is a conflict between two children, you can model how to resolve the conflict. Get at eye level with the children. Take turns hearing each side of the story. Repeat what you have heard. Allow an opportunity for solutions. Encourage empathetic apologies.
Get down at your children's eye level
Alright, come here and let's work this out as a team.
Jamie, tell me what you think is the matter. Anna, we can both listen quietly as Jamie talks, then I want to hear your side.
Okay, Jamie, you feel like you had the ball first and then Anna took it and that made you angry.
Anna, let's hear your take on what happened. Jamie and I will listen quietly.
Okay Anna, you didn't know that Jamie was using the ball because it was in the field.
Do either of you know how to fix this? Let’s take turns again.
Jamie, Anna didn't mean to take your ball and it hurt her when you yelled at her. Can you tell her that next time you will not yell at her and you will use your gentle words instead? Anna, next time just to be safe you could yell "is anyone using this ball" before taking it just to be sure. Or you could ask to join in the game with the ball.
Following these steps takes practice and time and energy, but before you know it you will see your children following them independently without your intervention.
Learn to identify your own triggers
When your child has a meltdown or misbehaves parents can often feel frustrated, embarrassed, or angry. Your first reaction may be to threaten or punish your child instead of connecting with them in their time of need. This is likely because you are being triggered.
When you were a young child were you spanked for talking out of turn too much? And now when your child does it, it grates on your ears. But why? Because you learned a long time ago that behavior was unacceptable and "deserved" corporal punishment. But the truth remains: "kids are not giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time." They are so excited to be a part of the conversation with you that they interrupt (remember: no self control) so maybe let them say their piece first. Then ask them to stay silent again while everyone else has a turn. Or involve them in the conversation! Children often have brilliant and valid ideas.
If you're feeling triggered by your child’s behavior, try to figure out why. Ask yourself: where is the root of this? Is my frustration valid? Then address it in gentle respectful ways.
Set good boundaries for yourself
As you walk away from authoritarian parenting, friends and family may question your judgment. People who spank their children often argue that they themselves were spanked and they turned out just fine.
Decide if you want to debate the issue or not. If you don’t, a firm “this is what we’ve chosen for our family” is an appropriate response. If you do want to discuss your choice to stop spanking your children, the resources listed below will help you educate yourself and others.
Resources
Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
No Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind
Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life
The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind
The RIE Manual for Parents and Professionals
Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Child's Natural Abilities - From the Very Start
