My Body Remembers
Autumn is in full swing. Although I still think of it as my favorite season, this year I keep seeing the leaves changing colors into all the different shades of my grief.
Grief and trauma anniversaries are hard. Many people will describe how their body remembers the anniversary of a loved one’s death long before they’ve noticed what day it is on the calendar. Trauma anniversaries can be much the same.
Leaving a high-control community like CFC inevitably leaves a void. People who we love and respect are still there. Many stay too long because the community feels so strong and the energy so loving, until they see that the cost for that community is to slowly relinquish nearly all individuality and control. So sometimes I grieve. I grieve for the lost relationships, the lost trust, the lost years.
Many of us have family that are still very much alive but it’s unsafe to interact with them. There are past friends who betrayed our trust or shunned us when we left the cult and a nagging feeling that every decision we made while we were in there will haunt us and our families for the rest of our lives. Sometimes I find my body tensing as if I’m in trouble and about to be scolded or punished. That’s my body recognizing all the hard and traumatic things I went through and trying to guard me from the worst of it all over again.
For as many times as I have found myself assuring friends and loved ones that “trauma isn’t dealt with in a day,” and “grief doesn’t ever leave us, rather we take on a different shape around it” it is still so hard to internalize for myself. I know that healing takes time, but it always surprises me when I still have an unexpected emotional response to something years later. I know I’m not alone in this. Maybe if I say it one more time to you all, I’ll start to feel it more for myself.
Healing takes an unexpected and undefined amount of time for each of us. Some things just don’t ever quite feel all the way better, but we learn to grow around them. It’s ok to still feel hurt, ache, grief, or even anger years later. Let yourself feel through it. Breathe deeply into those tense moments and don’t be afraid to seek out support if you need to. Be gentle with yourself.
