What is an enmeshed family?
Enmeshment is a framework that originated in 1970 with Salvador Minuchin, who specialized in analyzing family systems. Enmeshment is also referred to as covert incest or emotional incest.
Children in enmeshed family systems often experience role confusion, in which they feel unsure of who they are as a person, independent of the role they have been given in the family (for example, as a surrogate parent for their siblings).
In families where emotional incest is present, the child might find themselves striving to meet the parents’ needs more often than the parent attunes to the child’s needs. This is not generally explicit and often happens outside both the child's and parent’s conscious awareness, making it a difficult trauma to name or remedy without professional help.
Children who experience enmeshment may hear messages like these:
You exist to meet my needs.
You can’t do it without me.
Don’t be like those other people—do it the way I do it.
It’s selfish to have your own dreams apart from our family.
Don’t trust yourself.
You need me to rescue you.
Did you grow up in an enmeshed family? Here are signs of enmeshment trauma:
Lack of emotional and physical boundaries
Children in enmeshed families may be told that it is selfish to have their own space or their own possessions. They may be told that their emotions are not welcome unless they match the emotions of their parents. Children who are spanked or have their bodily autonomy violated in other ways are especially vulnerable to this type of trauma.
Feeling responsible for a parent’s needs and feelings
Parents in enmeshed families who expect children to be responsible for the adults’ needs and feelings are committing emotional incest. This is a particularly damaging role reversal. One list created by CFC is an example of how dysfunctional family relationships can be taught as biblical principles.
Lack of privacy around your personal life
Children in enmeshed families may be required to inform their parents about everything in their personal lives; answering intrusive questions may be mandatory in such families. Parents may assert inappropriate influence over their children’s romantic relationships, especially in conservative circles where a courting or arranged marriage model is preferred over dating.
Lack of identity
Children from enmeshed families often struggle to hold interests or hobbies that do not also interest their parents. For example, if the parents in an enmeshed family system are particularly interested in music, the children may subconsciously believe that they cannot be interested in anything else. They may feel pressured to hold the same theology, go to the same schools, or remain geographically close to their parents. Children from enmeshed families often struggle to converse on topics that do not relate to their parents and their family.
Complicated relationships outside the family dynamic
Children from enmeshed families are often taught that their family is the only family that gets it right. These children may struggle to build healthy relationships outside the dysfunctional family because they have not learned what healthy boundaries and communication look like. Children from enmeshed families may struggle to build a strong relationship with their spouse or expect their spouse to adapt themselves to the roles assigned by the parents-in-law.
How do you break the cycle of enmeshment?
Enmeshment is usually repeated inter-generationally. In families with unprocessed trauma or enmeshed roles, children often find themselves repeating the cycle with their own children because that is all they know. Breaking the cycle of enmeshment is hard and painful work.
A therapist who is trained to understand enmeshed or dysfunctional family dynamics can help you individuate and redefine your relationships with family. With the help of a therapist, you can learn to set boundaries that allow you to finally know yourself and find the attunement you did not receive as a child.
In an enmeshed family system, the family often responds negatively to a person who begins to individuate and set boundaries. For this reason, a therapist is a crucial part of the process. A therapist can help you to see if your family is employing scapegoating tactics or other manipulation techniques to prevent you from leaving your role in the family. In some cases, it may be necessary to supplement emotional boundaries with geographical boundaries. Moving away from family is a drastic step, but in high-control enmeshed families, it may be the best way to break the cycle for the next generation.
