Carla’s Story
“Carla” alleges that CFC’s patriarchal teachings set her up for sexual assault. She alleges that her parents’ response to her assault was to blame her instead of her abuser.
As a child growing up at CFC, I thought my worth was tied to how much the church or my parents liked me that day. I thought everywhere was like that. Isolation at CFC and CFA and being homeschooled made me feel that all of humanity was constantly judging my every move—ready to shun me for the smallest perceived failure in living up to their standard.
Despite CFC’s claim to be a loving community, the social exclusion was so harsh that I would try to make myself sick so that one of my parents would take me home from church or CFA. I begged my parents not to make me go. For years I would go home every Sunday and Friday and weep in the woods by my house because I was so miserable.
My home life wasn't any better. My parents constantly picked me apart with Bible verses for every action I did or didn't do. I was either too opinionated or I was too quiet. It was exhausting. I couldn't live up to the expectations of the church or my parents. I wasn't really quiet, it was just easier not to speak because my words were always judged.
Whenever I attempted to explain to my parents how much I hated attending church, I had to sit through 2-4 hours of Bible lectures. When I questioned what I perceived as hypocrisy, my parents wielded Bible verses against me and the lecture would most likely include a follow-up lecture the next day.
I finally realized that saying nothing, staring blankly, and occasionally giving a nod of passive agreement was the easiest way to make it all stop. I contemplated running away from home every day, but I had nowhere to go.
When I was old enough I made a controversial decision: I went to college. I was surprised to realize that so many professors and students welcomed me. They didn't shun me because of my choice of shoes that day. They were kind—and they weren't Christian. I had been told my whole life that those who weren't Christians were incapable of loving others or showing genuine kindness. Why did the kindness of these "non-believers" prove to be so much more genuine than CFC’s shallow façade of "niceness"?
CFC impressed upon us from a young age that women needed to submit to the men in their life to do God's will. Specifically, women were under their father's authority until they were married and then they were under their husband's authority. I had such a twisted perspective of my autonomy that I had a hard time asserting myself and terrible men seemed to sense the weakness.
I was assaulted twice. One of my abusers claimed to be a Christian. When I told my parents, they asked what I was wearing when it happened, because I must have been dressed immodestly. When I told one of my non-Christian college friends, her eyes teared up and she told me that I didn't deserve it and then asked me if I wanted a hug. We hugged and I cried.
In that moment, I was seen and not judged. It was the first time I felt sincere compassion.
Women who weren't married by 24 were looked down upon at CFC. College for women was tolerated but only if the goal was to support yourself until marriage. Everything hinged on marriage. Once married, you had better stop working and have babies so you could be a stay-at-home mom. The idea of a woman wanting a career simply for the idea of wanting one was frowned upon. The idea of a woman not wanting children was nearly blasphemous.
My transition to leaving CFC was gradual. I was constantly falling short of their expectations. I completed my degree to support myself. I turned 24 and had no prospects for marriage. I didn't want kids. I quit playing musical instruments because it just reminded me of learning them as a child in a play for acceptance.
I was all the "wrong" things. However, the idea of changing the person I was growing into just so I could fit into CFC's box was unbearable. It was difficult to push down my pain. I went to church less and less and realized how much better I felt. I tried other churches sometimes for a year or two but avoided becoming as invested for fear of a repeated experience of my trauma.
I know many who left CFC but were able to hold onto their Christianity. I can't say the same. It's taken me years to heal from that place and in my journey I gave up my faith. Many will never understand, but the Bible was weaponized against me all through my childhood by CFC and by my parents. If you've been beaten into submission by the Bible your whole life, it’s sometimes just not possible to look at God as a loving Father.
Some say I was never a real Christian. They aim Bible verses at me like a weapon, using Bible verses to cut me off even though I had gone up to "give my life to God" at church altar calls, praying the sinner's prayer with fervent sincerity at least five times.
I will always connect the isolation and pain I experienced at CFC with God. Such a difference from the apparently loving God they preached from the pulpit.
All this said, I am happily married and enjoying a very fulfilling life. I am thankful every day for the life I have. I hope if you take anything from this, just know there is hope after CFC, even for those of us so damaged that we felt we had no choice but to let go of our faith to keep our sanity.
