Emotions & Abuse: Part 3
I was punished as a child for expressing emotions. How can I learn to feel safe expressing emotion?
The first thing to understand is that if your caregivers punished you for expressing emotion, they were wrong to do so. Parents and caregivers who punish children for expressing emotion are not only ineffective, they are also damaging a child’s natural development. Punishment and consequences don’t actually teach children the skills they need to learn better behavior, according to Ross Greene, a professor of psychiatry and pediatrics. He advocates for collaborative problem-solving between parents and children. Caregivers need to teach children the skill of emotional regulation, but in order to do that, they need to develop those skills in themselves first.
Batja Mesquita writes in her book Between Us about the ways parents teach their children the emotions appropriate to their cultures. Every culture has its own emotions and expectations for emotional expression. Learning to construct these emotions is an important part of childhood development.
The second thing to understand is that you can heal from this damage. It’s never too late to learn to understand and name your emotions and to learn to express them well. There are wonderful books and tools meant for children’s emotional development that you can use for yourself even as an adult. See for example the Little Otter Emotions card deck. Or The Box of Emotions from cultural historian Tiffany Watt Smith, which is more complex for adults.
You may want to see a trauma therapist to heal the wounds caused by the adults in your life. EMDR and IFS are two effective therapies for treating that kind of damage. Once your developmental and attachment wounds are healing and your legitimate need for supportive, validating relationships is addressed, you will begin to feel safer expressing all the new emotions you are learning.
People used emotions to manipulate me, and now I'm scared of emotions. What do I do?
People who use their displays of emotion to manipulate others are emotionally immature and probably relationally immature. Human minds work hard to perceive and interpret the emotions of the people around them. If someone is faking emotions or putting emotional pressure on you to conform to their will, it becomes hard for you to understand what is actually going on with them. If they use their displays of emotion to hurt or punish you, it makes sense that you would develop a fear of emotional expression in others and even in yourself. As a conscientious person who doesn’t want to manipulate others, you might now carefully control your emotional expressions so that you don’t use your emotions inappropriately.
Learning how to understand your own emotions in therapy might really help you. If you can’t afford therapy or can’t access a good mental health care provider at the moment, you can start with increasing your emotional granularity. Learn new emotion words using an emotion wheel can be helpful. This article contains some examples of emotion wheels and how to use them to understand what you are feeling.
Journaling to understand your emotions can also be helpful. The Untangle Workbook from Marc Alan Schelske is a useful tool that shows you how to identify your emotions and process them in healthy ways.
Why are people saying that my abuse is just hurt feelings?
Abuse is not merely hurt feelings, but the impact of abuse often involves hurt feelings. When you are abused, it is natural and good to feel angry, to feel betrayed, to feel afraid. God gave you emotions in part to protect you. When you feel upset and distressed, pay attention to what and who is harming you. It’s good to listen to that God-given safety intuition and take steps to get away from harmful and unsafe people.
The people who say that what you are calling abuse is “hurt feelings” or “bitterness” probably have a vested interest in denying that you were abused. Ask yourself what their connection is to your abuser or the network in which your abuser exists. What do they stand to benefit if they can convince you and others that you were not abused?
People dismiss abuse reports for various reasons. Some people may not understand what abuse is (in its most basic form, abuse is coercive control). They may not know of forms of abuse beyond physical abuse. They may not grasp that the methods abusers use to gain and maintain control can include psychological, verbal, spiritual, or sexual in addition to physical. They may not know about covert abuse.
Other people might be uncomfortable with the topic of abuse. They may have been abused themselves and are not ready to confront that. Hearing about your abuse may trigger them, so they want you to be quiet so they don’t have to deal with their own pain. Or they know and trust your abuser, and they can’t deal with the cognitive dissonance of your telling them that a person they rely on or care about is an abuser. Shutting you down is easier for them than confronting their discomfort.
Others deny you are being abused because they know they are abusing you and they want to continue having control over you. If they can make you think the confusion and pain you are feeling are made up, are all in your head, or are a character defect in you, you will busy yourself with “fixing” yourself, turning your attention away from the ongoing harm they are causing you.
Don’t let people dismiss your abuse disclosure. Instead, keep telling the truth about what you have experienced until you find safe helpers who will believe you.
Becky Castle Miller has served as a discipleship director at an international church and offers trauma-informed pastoral care. She is a PhD student in New Testament working on a dissertation about emotions and discipleship in the Gospel of Luke.
Instagram: @WholeEmotion
Twitter: @BCastleMiller
